Monday, May 21, 2012

Mind Games

Old Jamie looked like this...
Body image has always been something that has plagued me. I think it's safe to say this is so for many people, but for me, the more weight I gained, the less my mind seemed to keep up. It was hard for me to recognize the severity of my gradual and increasing weight problem because of this. As I got bigger and bigger, I knew it was happening, but I didn't believe how big I really was. What I saw in the mirror was MUCH different from what I saw in pictures, and I just couldn't understand it.

"I don't look as big in person as I do in pictures, right?"
"I carry my weight pretty well, though, right?"

Those are both questions I would frequently ask loved ones in my struggle to decipher the truth. My poor friends and family...what could they do? You can't say, "Well, Jamie, you do look like what you see in that picture." or "No, Jamie, you don't carry your weight all that well."
They couldn't tell me the truth, because they could see how much pain my weight caused me internally. But because of my inability to understand what really was me, and my inability to believe that I could do something about it, I allowed myself to believe that the pictures were false; I just chalked it up to bad angles.
Living this way made me fear taking pictures at all, because seeing is believing, right? And I didn't want to believe. On the scale, those are just numbers. Numbers mean different things to different people. But a picture...you can't argue with a picture. Instead of allowing myself to come to terms with what was real, I aligned myself with the mindset that "ignorance is bliss".
...but saw something closer to this
However, no matter how much I justified, or how much I avoided it, pictures still happened, and the disillusionment was a great source of stress for me. I didn't understand why what I saw in the mirror was different from what I saw in pictures. I knew that those two people were the same, but I didn't see them that way. And even today, I'm still not sure why this was the case for me. It seems like I had a bit of reverse body dysmorphic disorder (okay, maybe not so severe, but psych classes FTW! I still remember something from college!).

Nonetheless, I finally woke up. I finally allowed myself to see what was true, and to see what was possible. I was coming much too close to agoraphobia. I became uncomfortable in everyday, normal situations. I would be walking down the street, and every time I would hear a stranger laugh, my mind would eat at me. "They're laughing at you, Jamie. You're so fat that you're funny."  How sad, right? This isn't how anyone should have to live their life.
 This is still a thought that I have to battle even today, but it's much easier to conquer these days. Because now, I know what I am, and I know who I am. Now, I feel more like myself than I ever have before. Now, I know that what I look like in my mind much more closely resembles what I actually look like. The mirror and the pictures...they match. They finally match, and I can't even begin to tell you what kind of peace that brings with it.


How do you picture yourself? Do you feel like you?

(If you have any topics you would like me to review or discuss, leave them in the comments!)

12 comments:

  1. I swear this post sounds like it's coming from my own diary. That's exactly how I feel!! Jamie you don't know how much your posts are inspiring me to make a change. I'm tired of the mirror and the photos not matching. Keep up the great work and the inspirational posts, I need them!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't even begin to tell you how much joy it gives me when people find my story motivational:) The hardest part is just starting the process...let me know if there's anything I can do to help!

      Delete
  2. Jamie, you hit the nail on the head. I despise taking pictures now which stinks because I was always the one with the camera, excited to capture family moments. Now, I shy from the camera and I guess I don't believe I really look like what I do to other people. I try to hide under big, baggy clothes and just don't look in the mirror. It's time I started looking at the REAL me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. coming from part-time fashionista (self-titled;)), the big baggy clothes only make things worse- mentally and physically. Get yourself a wrap dress and wear it proudly, my dear! And keep in mind that even when you're not feeling like your true you, you still deserve to feel like the beautiful woman you are, inside and out. If you can't see it with your eyes, remember that you have a strikingly handsome husband who thinks YOU'RE the only woman worth loving;)

      Delete
  3. hi sweetie..
    i love reading your blog!
    im following you right now.
    kisses

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Dian! And I am L-O-V-I-N-G that bag in your most recent post...I've been keeping my eye out for a satchel type purse that buckles in the front like that. It's as if you knew;)

      Delete
  4. Seriously, I have been working out and eating a healthy diet for about 5 weeks now. I felt like I was on the right track, until about 5 days ago, I realized that it's not normal for the workout video that I was using, to be giving me intense pain in my knees, day in and day out. I have been trying to find a video that has little to no squats or lunges in it, but that has proven to be much more difficult than I thought. I was ready to give up. You have inspired me to keep going. I am sitting down with a pen and paper right now to create my own customized "workout video." I'm not an expert, but it's better than nothing, right!? Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! It really is an honor to hear that. And to be quite honest, a good portion of my weight loss was done with very little exercise. The closer I got to my goal weight, the more I knew I needed to intensify, but really focusing on calories can get you on your way! Of course, exercise is totes important, so I found this link that might be of help? http://www.3fatchicks.com/10-cardio-workouts-that-are-easy-on-knees/
      I'm a big fan of pilates myself, and there are always modifications for different poses that might be hard on people's joints. Good luck on your journey, and never hesitate to ask if you have any questions!

      Delete
    2. Thank you! I have never tried Pilates, but I keep hearing good things. Sports were always my passion. Could you recommend a good Pilates video?!

      Delete
    3. I just switched from Jillian Michael's Yoga Meltdown to the Biggest Loser Weightloss Yoga...both yoga instead of pilates, but close enough? I have also done many POP pilates workouts on you tube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCg_gh_fppI
      If I were to recommend anything, I'd say to just check out youtube and find something you like there! There are tons of fitness videos on there, especially of the yoga and pilates variety:)

      Delete
  5. "...They couldn't tell me the truth, because they could see how much pain my weight caused me internally."
    I know that I can't speak for everyone but I know that when someone with a spirit as beautiful as yours, it's hard to see the outside as much. I know it sounds silly because how could you not see the outside packaging--but it's true.
    When my best friends ask me if they look alright or if my boyfriend asks me if his hair looks weird, I can only imagine that I'm a terrible person to ask because when I look at these people all I can see is the beautiful parts of them. I don't see wide hips or a strange haircut. It's not that I don't want to hurt their feelings. I just don't see it!

    And frankly, I never saw it on you, either. Not until I see posts like this where you compare and contrast the old and the new. Your packaging is so pretty! And you look a thousand times happier!
    It makes me wonder how pretty and happy I could look under here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "when someone with a spirit as beautiful as yours..."
      Thank you, Libby. To hear you say that makes me want to cry. But in a good way, of course;) I suppose you're probably right, too...how nice it is to know that there are people who are more interested in the other parts of us to not notice the parts of ourselves that we are afraid of. Things like that are very easy to forget when you live in a society such as this.
      Thank you for reminding me. I love you:)

      Delete