|Old Jamie looked like this...|
"I don't look as big in person as I do in pictures, right?"
"I carry my weight pretty well, though, right?"
Those are both questions I would frequently ask loved ones in my struggle to decipher the truth. My poor friends and family...what could they do? You can't say, "Well, Jamie, you do look like what you see in that picture." or "No, Jamie, you don't carry your weight all that well."
They couldn't tell me the truth, because they could see how much pain my weight caused me internally. But because of my inability to understand what really was me, and my inability to believe that I could do something about it, I allowed myself to believe that the pictures were false; I just chalked it up to bad angles.
Living this way made me fear taking pictures at all, because seeing is believing, right? And I didn't want to believe. On the scale, those are just numbers. Numbers mean different things to different people. But a picture...you can't argue with a picture. Instead of allowing myself to come to terms with what was real, I aligned myself with the mindset that "ignorance is bliss".
|...but saw something closer to this|
Nonetheless, I finally woke up. I finally allowed myself to see what was true, and to see what was possible. I was coming much too close to agoraphobia. I became uncomfortable in everyday, normal situations. I would be walking down the street, and every time I would hear a stranger laugh, my mind would eat at me. "They're laughing at you, Jamie. You're so fat that you're funny." How sad, right? This isn't how anyone should have to live their life.
This is still a thought that I have to battle even today, but it's much easier to conquer these days. Because now, I know what I am, and I know who I am. Now, I feel more like myself than I ever have before. Now, I know that what I look like in my mind much more closely resembles what I actually look like. The mirror and the pictures...they match. They finally match, and I can't even begin to tell you what kind of peace that brings with it.
How do you picture yourself? Do you feel like you?
(If you have any topics you would like me to review or discuss, leave them in the comments!)